How Amanda’s Ex Used Technology to Gaslight and Abuse Her
By Amanda, as told to Kellie Scott — ABC Lifestyle
In the rapidly evolving digital age, technology has become an alarming tool for perpetrators of domestic violence, with a growing number of women subjected to abuse through digital means. Amanda’s story, shared with ABC News, highlights the disturbing reality of technology-facilitated abuse and coercive control within intimate relationships.
The Invisible Control Behind the Screen
Amanda (a pseudonym) initially didn’t recognize the signs of abuse when she married her husband. The abuse was subtle at first, creeping into her life gradually. “It wasn’t overt from the beginning,” Amanda recalls. But after they were married, the controlling and manipulative behavior escalated significantly.
One of the most unsettling aspects of Amanda’s experience was the use of technology by her husband to exert control over her life. “He would often say things that left me wondering: ‘How the hell did he know that?’” she said. At times, he would make statements such as, “I know you bitch about me to so and so,” which made Amanda feel as if he could read her mind. It was only later, when she accidentally discovered unauthorized logins on her social media account, that she realized he had been spying on her digital communications.
“He had been accessing my social media through my personal laptop and his mobile phone,” Amanda shared. “He was reading what my family and I had been talking about in our group chat and then using that information against me to gaslight and intimidate me.”
The Loneliness and the Realization
Social media had become Amanda’s main outlet after her ex isolated her from most of her family and friends. The discovery of his digital intrusion brought a sense of violation but also a turning point.
“At first, I felt silly for not having stronger passwords. I felt very alone,” Amanda said. “But there was also a kind of relief because I now had evidence—this wasn’t just a feeling that I was being manipulated. This was real.”
Her husband’s coercive control wasn’t limited to digital spying. The abuse extended to physical violence and emotionally degrading acts. He took compromising photos of Amanda while she slept and sent them to his friends to humiliate her. He was brazen in his actions, even showing Amanda the images in an attempt to exert further control.
The Escalation and Breaking Point
The abuse worsened over time, leading Amanda to multiple private hospital admissions due to the emotional and psychological impact. Her husband constantly told her she was “crazy” and needed help, only to react with anger whenever she sought support from medical professionals.
“The violence escalated after we married,” Amanda explained. “He made me feel so incompetent, worrying about little things like hanging a picture frame or putting the bins out. It was relentless gaslighting.”
The final straws were the cruel things he said about Amanda to her own daughter and the brazen way he continued to humiliate her. “I just got to the point where I knew, ‘I actually deserve better than this. I have to get out and show my daughter what a healthy relationship looks like.’”
A Road to Freedom and Advocacy
Amanda has since left the abusive relationship. While she acknowledges that the process was a grieving one and that she expected to be alone forever, she has found new strength. Today, she has a supportive partner and is thriving.
Amanda now works with Advocates for Change to help others recognize and battle technology-facilitated abuse. She emphasizes the importance of raising awareness about the digital tools abusers use and the value of safeguarding one’s online presence.
“If I’d known more about tech abuse earlier—about how perpetrators use it to control—I would have updated my passwords and checked my accounts more often,” she said. “We need to recognize that technology can be used for harm and protect ourselves.”
Growing Awareness and Campaigns
Australian research reveals that technology-facilitated violence against women is a rapidly growing issue. Forms of abuse include image-based abuse, cyberstalking, and AI-generated deepfakes, which add new dimensions to domestic violence.
In response to the alarming rise of digital violence, UN Women has launched a campaign from November 25 to December 10 focusing on ending digital violence against all women and girls. This initiative aims to bring attention to the intersection of technology and domestic violence and promote safety measures.
Support for Those Experiencing Domestic Violence
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or technology-facilitated abuse, support is available:
- 1800 RESPECT National Helpline: 1800 737 732
- Lifeline (24-hour crisis line): 131 114
- Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277
- Men’s Referral Service: 1300 766 491
Other regional services include:
- Women’s Crisis Line: 1800 811 811
- NSW Domestic Violence Line: 1800 656 463
- Qld DV Connect Womensline: 1800 811 811
- Vic Safe Steps Crisis Response Line: 1800 015 188
In emergencies, call police on triple-zero (000).
Amanda’s story is a stark reminder of the insidious ways technology can be weaponized to dominate and damage. Raising awareness and increasing access to support services are crucial steps toward ending all forms of violence against women.
For further information and resources, visit ABC News and UN Women’s campaign pages.
